Ferenc Piller: The living loveletter

Yeah, you're reading right, but Ferenc Piller never meant this to be a loveletter in first place. It evolved out of a row of incidents, each one adding or replacing an expression. And obviously time, well, the last fortysomething years, has completely changed the approach of emotional integrity and so will the future - by the time it will end, not a single word of this will be true. Nor will Ferenc Piller be the same. For those who formerly met changes with pain - any change is an evolution, the value of it depends upon which direction of it you're staring at.

Yeah right, many have been asking, what's a loveletter without the word love appearing in it but once? Here is the answer of Ferenc Piller, you obviously haven't read this from the beginning. After further objections, Ferenc Piller had to add, the beginning is not at the top of this page, this time...

So the question remains, what was in the beginning that we haven't come to know?
Answer: Do you want to reverse engineer a loveletter? Do think you can solve four decades of emotional revolution with recursive mathematics?

If your answer is yes, please drop Ferenc Piller an email, you know, the contact form page, but disregard s.p.a.m.m.ing Ferenc Piller with thigh high d*psh*t of brainy secondary meaning connotations please. We're talking serious business at this point, at least what it takes to comprehend the unwritten side of a loveletter, correct Ferenc Piller if he is wrong...

If dreams came true, or, I know your demon

On the day you die, you will not regret the things you did,
you will cry endless tears for the things you have not done.
You will miss the one, that made you believe, and made you fly.

When you close your eyes for the last time ever,
you will not see money, wealth, fame or honor,
you will see the one, that put you through love and experience,
the one that made you soak up the world.

Once you decided to have a BF, well,
which one of you three would make it first?
For you it was just fun, making all those boys crazy…

Your choice was a nice boy, yeah, he was his mom’s darling,
a good boy, good to you, and never harmed your demon.
Love is not a deal, but this you forgot,
or in first place, how could you even possibly know…

With nice boy, your dreams though, didn’t come true,
love changed face and so did reality.
And your demon made you dream further.

You got older but he did not,
your dreams were growing, on your own,
him just accompanying your growing despair.

You were upset about it, he is not the best you deserve, you said,
that said, bad boy knew you’re in trouble, you’re love is trouble,
what a waste, playing the good girl, being a bad girl.

You were dreaming of a bad boy to come,
bad boy came, and gave your dreams a name,
rushing your heart, thrilling your mind.

The day they brought you to him,
bad boy saw your demon,
A demon, that would determine your fate.

As you gave bad boy your confession,
he instantly knew your passion,
and that it’s beef to be part of your fashion.

And so it is, you would be any ordinary girl without your demon,
receiving as little love without your demon, as little recognition.
Bad boy knew, you would suffer and sacrifice for your demon.

You fear most to be worthless without your demon,
consciously, you don’t even know about your demon,
that you would love anybody that would feed your demon.

Playing poker with bad boys heart,
you forgot you might lose your own heart.
Of course bad boy lost his heart, but so did you.

So you gave wrong boy the wrong love,
forgetting, you can’t take home love,
love that yet belonged in the streets,
in the streets of bad boy.

Now you’re afraid of happiness,
trying to be a good girl for the wrong boy,
fearing family, friends and belief for integrity.

Bad boy knows stuff, has experience, has survived shit,
he knows how to take a woman, how to lead a woman,
to play the right tune on her soul, how to make crazy a woman.

Bad boy knows, where you’re going without bad boy,
but he knows too, that’s not where you want to be going.
Bad boy goes his own ways, living his dreams, or dies trying.

Bad boy’s a tough guy, not a thug taking shit,
he’s an OG with a wild heart and a lot to lose.
He knows were life goes, and what makes you happy.

Beeing part of bad boys dream, is a tough fate,
not leaving out sorrow and agony, but not only this.
Living in profound happiness, worth dying for.

Sadly, at this point, you have lost your magic,
who cares for demons, don’t care for love,
coz the only thing that made you worthy, was your love.

For fate and happiness, age ist just a number in infinity,
bad boy’s soon half a century, but so will be you, in the blink of an eye.
Count your blessings, for the time that is, time is endless, blessings not…

Typically, you would read this only once, thus without comprehension,
your eyes stuck on your own depiction, hypnotised by your own eyes,
what you staring at, what you see, is your demon, not yourself.

Bad boy knows, you’re too young to understand this,
and tragically, the day you will understand and be willing,
bad boy will be dead, but not forgotten by you, crying…

Photography & Words © Ferenc Piller

Hey,
before I met You, reality was a fact upon time. No doubt I was alive and existence was going along the clock. The earth I was moving on, rocksolid, just like my belief in fulfillment of life, I was convinced of values and the way things had to go.

And then came You. Well, not yet...
Actually, quite sudden, I felt a restless going in my body, a surprising shiver of expectation, I felt undescribable things, heat passing by, waves or rays of... I constructed natural explanations for it all, but the the most obvious never accured to me - I didn't know then, what I know now - I wouldn't have believed it anyway. Millions of thoughts rushing by in the blink of an eye, for how many lives have we lost each other,

it must have been You, no, not possible, but all the signs, all this opressed anticipation, living on a saving flame, couldn't make it burn all my life, reliability, control, honor, who was I? But now, awakening, the flame burning all over, fire rushing my venes, and again, there, this restless daemon in me with its absolute awareness, these rays again, i felt them over my shoulder, something melted into me, this familiar scent behind that perfume hit me, I felt this special way of moving, but impossible, and again, something was screaming at me silently, I turned...

Imagine
fire frozen in motion, heart stops beating, breath is eternity, a million years of history flashing down inside your eyes, questions, reasons, doubts, and yes, it is You, your shape, there is something around You, like a frame of colours that shift with your moods, and yes, you shine right up my face, these rays are yours, if I reached out I couldn't touch You, but You melt into me, slowly, friendly, warm and tender, intimate in a familiar way, You are back, and You bring me back peace, sense, releaf, and a wonderful restless agitating tension of life, me like a tree in blossom with a mellow wind teasing it's leaves, and it's roots in heaven, or just anywhere... a moment like a lifetime...

The next thing I know, your voice. It's so familiar as if we never parted a second. I didn't understand the words You sad, I didn't see your eyes, your voice was telling me eternities of histories, the time since we parted, I hoped You never stop talking, your voice music in my ears, your story a heavenly melody. You let me see far beyond your eyes, open, inviting, like a castle from the inside - you don't know the dimensions from the outside, if you're lucky, you'll never know - not knowing is life, watch out the day you appear to know...

My dearest precious
is Your every breath, Your every wish that comes true, Your every smile that something enchants upon Your face, Your anticipation for a new day... I'm truly rich...

Your way of staying the woman that bewitched and intoxicated me, still beeing the mother of our children, in who's eyes I see Yours,
would never make me break a promise.

You are my life, and my hope beyond death, and my belief that we will encounter in immortality together, and all the lives that will ever come after it - I will always know, You are the sense of living them all, with You, for ever...